Originally posted November 12, 2018
As I mentioned earlier 2018 was indeed a very rough year for me, and it was months between these posts. Even as I repost all these it is a little rough to reread.
It has been some time since I have published any updates. Sorry for the delay, but understand it has been a really rough year. Mom has not walked since she took her spill back in February, and the Alzheimer’s has progressed to the point where she is non vocal most of the time. She still knows who the people are who visit regularly, and sometimes remembers other people.She has good days and bad days, She has lost close to 25 pounds and getting her to eat can sometimes be a chore. Bring her a milkshake or Wawa ice tea though, and she is still all over that!
On the 25th day of June, just 5 days past her 50th birthday my little sister passed away. Her name is Dawn Marie Wellman (Bleattler). She was really sick for a really long time. Dawn was never able to say goodbye to my mother the way she needed to. Mom was in no condition to visit Dawn at the hospital. Dawn was too sick for us to take her to see mom. It was the one time I was glad that mom was blissfully unaware. This would have broken her I think. I miss my sister terribly, there is not a day that goes by without something reminding me of her. I have had to leave a store because I saw a pig and could not stop myself from crying. If you knew Dawn you’ll understand.
They say my sister died of “Lung Disease”, I say she really died of a broken heart. My little sister died trying to hide from her pain. It was my job to protect her, she was my little sister. The one thing I could not protect her from was herself. I missed my sister for a long time before she left us, but losing her like this has really been tough. In less than 2 years the 2 women who were my biggest fans have been taken away. Mom is here but it’s not the same. Sometimes I have to wonder to myself how it is I don’t drink. I don’t know how it is I am going to handle all of this through the holidays. Last year at this time, Dawn and mom were both here and able to be a part of it all. Now neither one to be thankful with, to laugh at stupid Christmas movies with.
I have never had a Thanksgiving without them before, I have never woke up on Christmas and not had the plan to go see mom. Mom has never before had a News Years eve when she wouldn’t be worried. My world has shifted, and my mind has been sequestered. I keep it to myself, and I write. The music plays and every song takes me back to another point in our lives, and I can remember everything including the aromas of our existence. The holiday decorations are starting to arrive and I am lost, like a child in a snowstorm. The words need a roadmap to get from my brain to the keyboard. But alas comes the Muse.
Not all news is bad news, and sometimes the darkness can show you the light.
Through this tragedy with mom, I have met someone who brings me sunshine on a daily basis. She saw through my darkness and somehow found a light. She tolerates me, and she can stop me in my tracks. She saw something and said yea I want that one.Why? I just don’t know, but I am thankful she did. We had a little help getting together, but here we are. She is amazing and wonderful, and strangely enough in a semi similar kind of boat. We just seem to fit together, and Mom likes her too. It helps that she was mom’s nurse for a while there. she never got to meet Dawn, but I know my sister would have loved her and been OK with us being together. I know that as time goes by the heart heals, but it’s hard to heal when it keeps getting torn. This whole getting older thing is for the birds, nobody ever warned me.
UPDATE: That relationship fizzled quickly, but she sure did help me through alot.